When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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