Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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