So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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