when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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