I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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