I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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