I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
