It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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