Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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