I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
