I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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