my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize