Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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