I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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