I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
