Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
