Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
