Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
