i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This is classic penis vs brain.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
