I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
