Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
