if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
