so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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