So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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