My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
