I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
