I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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