Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
