My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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