Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
