I feel like abortions should bother me more
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
