remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
