32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
