new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
