I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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