I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
