listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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