"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
