So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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