I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize