I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
