so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
