I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
