you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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