The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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