you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
