so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
