but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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