Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
