i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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