Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
