i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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