it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
