Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
