i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
