btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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