You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
