: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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