he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
