She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dicks are not precious.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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